The two biggest questions people ask when I talk to them about being alone in a couple are:
- How does it happen that a loved one becomes a stranger?
- Isn't it too late to make things right?
A person strives all his life to recreate the transcendent state of love from merging with his mother, with the highest force of nature, which he experienced at birth. Therefore, for this, you unconsciously choose a partner for yourself, who is imprisoned for your properties and desires, only with the opposite sign. You may not know this, but you intuitively feel that together, in merging, you will have that state of balance that is unattainable alone. I don't mean the material aspect now.
You feel that this person will accept you for who you are. The reason is the same: he feels that you have something that he himself lacks to balance. The hormones of love enliven the correspondence between your properties and the expectations of your partner, and this is mutual. Therefore, you feel the joy of giving love and receiving it from the fact that you are accepted completely and you are filled. Your love body is in balance and harmony. As they say - the correct exchange of substances between receiving and bestowing. Here it is - a state resembling transcendental perfection.
Well, every time it seems like it's forever...
After a decrease in the action of the hormones oxytocin, dopamine, etc., your partner returns to the previous average energy state and ceases to use the properties that attracted you to him. It is these properties that are least developed in him. What you expected from him, he least of all can give you.
Expectations from your connection disturb you, and unfulfilled desires respond with cold alienation. The feeling that you have been deceived and slipped not what you bought causes anger, impotence and disappointment. Your partner experiences the same thing, expressing it in his own way.
Attacking and defending each other in an attempt to remake and make the partner love themselves again increase the distance and alienation. If you continue to act according to the same scenario, the gap widens, the hope of changing something decreases. The partner becomes a source of pain, and we try to avoid pain.
Bad news: this scenario is programmed by nature.
The good news is that nature is thus pushing us to a higher and more conscious level of interaction. This rise has clear laws. And those who have invested their efforts and assimilated them have turned life “together” into a source of inspiration and strength.
We were not taught, but if we want true love, we need to work on relationships. If I want roses in my garden, I understand that the garden needs work. If I want to be a master of my craft, I need to work on it. If I want a beautiful strong body, I have to work on it. However, in a relationship, it is more convenient for us to say: let him work first, I will look at him and maybe join.
Can you imagine if the musicians at the wedding would say to the guests: “First you start dancing - if we like it, then we will play”?
The good news is that it is not too late to correct the situation as long as at least one of the couple has a great desire for it.
And one more piece of news, perhaps it will please you. To fix the situation, there is no need to fix either you or your partner. You have enough. Getting into the factory settings of a person and tweaking is not our approach. What needs to be fixed is the connection between you. Just learning how to talk
- so that your partner hears exactly what you had in mind to say to him, and not what he thought. And vice versa;
- so that you can clearly formulate and pronounce your expectations to your partner, not hoping that he will guess. And vice versa;
- so that your message would be desirable to listen and hear. And vice versa.
And so you study each other, find out the weaknesses and requirements of the second half, constantly improve mutual understanding. This is real art.